Sam sings, Sam sang, Samsung

So.... Its been quite a while.
I've gotten a few new toys that I absolutely love. Samsung's Droid products have provided me everything I need, want, and more. My MP3 player, a galaxy 5 has a 5 inch screen, making the famous iTouch seem puny in comparison.
I recently upgraded my AT&T cell phone to a "smartphone". I despise all these excuses companies are coming up with now to charge their customers fees.. Anyway, with some saved up Christmas money, I was able to purchase a Samsung galaxy s2. not really what I wanted but it sync's with the new mp3 player.
These are neat little contraptions and at the very least they have provided me some amusement.
Perhaps you have or will have one of these in your possession. At any rate, enjoy your modern technology-while its still modern.w

Lost and Found

Frustration
boiling over
devastation overwhelming my thoughts.
carelessness of my own fault
how stupid can i be?
how ignorant and naive?
trust is all i need.
the fear is pullin pullin me down
deeper and deeper
i need a keeper
a keeper of my soul.
these things wont last forever
to these things i must hold
i must cling to them never let them go
its a symbol of our strength
meaning to our lives
something that we fight for
something that we strive
to continue to pass on

Its Working

Talked with my daddy last night. It's hard for me to not be hard on my parents. They're supposed to be perfect! Lol. I'm not easy on myself but I feel like they should be the example and I forget they are just people trying to make their way in this world too.
I'm such a selfish person when it comes to my time. I do what I want and I don't usually want to plan time to just sit and talk with people. I feel like its a waste of time. (*gasp from the audience). I always thought it was far better to be Doing something to help people than just talking about it. This seems contradictive to my usual actions, right? Because I'm always talking. I manage somehow to run into at least one person I know wherever I go. I don't plan that. What I'm talking about now is setting aside time specifically for visiting with others. I like that to be happenstance. I visit as I do other things. In high school, I'd talk to people in the hallways or at drill or track practice, CAP, or church. I didn't go for the people, that just worked out that way. My socialization comes from my need to be involved doing something. This has caused me to lose a few friends along the way because they don't feel like I care enough for them when in fact I do. I think a lot about the people I care the most for but I don't necessarily spend more time with them. My dad especially. I don't always like talking to him on the phone simply because its hard to get off the phone with him but I know I can go to him for anything and I do love him. I'd go to him before almost anyone else(depends on what the situation is) if anything I'd go to him second.
Just so you know, if you are reading this thinking Robyn probably doesn't care about me because she never talks to me, the case is most likely the opposite. I probably do care about you a whole lot. I absolutely love my friends and even people that aren't my friends. I just stay busy enough to not be the one to contact them. If they message me, I'll get back to them when I can. I do want to hang out, I do miss you, I do care. I just have other things that I feel obligated to do until then.
I'm working on this aspect of me. I'm trying to be a person who makes time for friends and family and will go aside to just talk and see how things are.
I have my friend and roommate, Emily, to thank for pointing out how valuable that can be and how much of a difference it can make in my life as well as the lives of those around me.

Christmas Day.

I did a lot of thinking today. Haven't overthought like that in a while. Life really is what you make it. Today didn't really feel like Christmas. I haven't been in the Christmas spirit this year, not like I usually am. The weather wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer either. It rained.

This morning I realized how awful I can be. I wanted to stay in my room with my door locked and just listen to music all day. Maybe read a few books. Just not deal with people. Especially family. I blamed a lot of my problems on my dad. Terrible, I know. I'm so frustrated with him. I feel like its his fault that I'm dealing with some of the problems I have to face. Perhaps it is. But even so this man loves me more than anyone else in this whole world and would do anything for me. I know he will always be there for me and no matter what he believes in me. I like what he texted me today. We may not have the life we want, but we must live the life we have, otherwise we aren't living. He's been through a lot. A whole lot more than I have. I do love my daddy but it's so easy to get upset with him over the small things that bother me.

Norwich University

I've just completed my first semester of college. Almost all of my grades have been posted-all but calculus. I'm majoring in mathematics and minoring in social psychology so math shouldn't be a problem right? (haha, pun :D) It isn't usually a problem. Right now I'm facing the possibility of having a 3.59 or a 3.49 based on what I get in calc. If I made at least a 90 on the final exam, I will maintain my 90 for the course, an A-. If I scored below a 90, It will drop to a B+, bringing my total down to .01 away from the President's List. Either way I'll at least make Dean's list, but .01 away.. oh how annoying that would be.
God answered my prayers for good Christian friends and influences.
I'd like to take the time now to brag on Pastor Rake, Rev, and Joel. These three people have helped me stay focused on Christ in the hardest times. My faith has no doubt been tested, tried, and grown. I've fallen many different ways but I'm learning from my mistakes. Pastor Rake is a humble hardworking man with four daughters and a loving wife. At Norwich, I don't have very close friends. I don't trust anyone. Pastor Rake's youngest daughter, Angela, and I got along all too well. We would giggle and carry on like 3rd grade best friends. I was able to go to the Rake's house after services Sunday mornings and Mrs. Rake would cook a delicious lunch. This was one of the rare times rooks* like myself were able to kick back and relax. I got to do things like take naps and watch tv. Not allowed to do that on campus during rookdom**.
Reverend Wick is widely known all across Northfield, VT. He knows his greek and hebrew and His Bible, but most important, he knows his God. My God. My Savior. His Savior. Personally. He spreads God's word like none other. This man has a loving wife who bakes CBCs***. They are amazing! He also loves snow and skiing. He's one of the few people at Norwich who does not complain about the snow. Its uplifting to know I'm not crazy and that its okay to like things about Norwich even if it is college and cold. He encourages the college kids regularly. If someone asks him if hes got a minute he'll always say of course. The man's schedule is constantly packed but never turns a person in need down. He pushes paper not people.
Joel. Joel Heller. What to say about this person. A true Vermonter. He is also a mathematics major but minoring in education. God's called him to teach. This semester he will be doing an internship so he won't be at Norwich. This guy has been my closest friend besides God. He has a true love for the Lord that has greatly influenced me and constantly reminds me of who God is and what He's done. He comes from a wonderful and beautiful (he showed me a few pictures) Christian family that guides and encourages him. I asked him a lot of questions. He answered all of them and some of his answers took me by surprise. When I asked about Christian friends in college, he told me he hasn't really had any. Just the people back home and his family. We come from two different worlds, but I know God brought us together to serve Him. I've got a funny feeling I'll run into Joel again later on. He'll still be right smack in the middle of God's will.
Thank you to each of you. We face battles everyday. It helps to fight side by side and remind each other God's already won the war.

*Rooks-freshmen in the Corps of Cadets at Norwich Unversity
**Rookdom- the experience of being a rook equipped with many restrictions and a lot of pressure.
***CBCs-Chocolate butterscotch cookies

Whirlwind of Emotion.

The Norwich experience so far has been a whirlwind of emotion tied with physical activity and academics. I've made friends and made plenty of people angry in such a short period of time. I absolutely love it here but in spite of that everyone has at least thought about leaving. I feel torn, not about Norwich but home, about my home back in South Carolina. Norwich University is truly becoming a home to me. Where does that leave Cayce? Coming to Norwich was a big step but what I didn't realize when I took that step was how much harder it is to remain loyal to your hometown. I'm torn because I miss it and I don't miss it. I miss my church family. I miss taking care of the kids. I miss Mrs. Partlow and her family. I miss my lamp and sheet set and string of Christmas lights that were kept in my window for a record amount of time.

Lessons Learned at Norwich

You are beautiful even without boys telling you that.
Spending time with people is important.
It really is better to be five minutes early.
One of the hardest things to do is to tell your superior he or she is wrong.
Sometimes its okay to spend money on yourself.
If you run 3 miles and eat a brownie later on that same day, it was worth it.
If you don't run 3 miles but do eat a brownie, it was worth it. ;)
Ice cream just isn't as good when its in the single digit degrees outside.
Snow sparkles! (glistens)
If you study before and during exam week, you will still be nervous before the exam, but when you take it, its a peace of cake.

To be updated as the year progresses

Understanding Thought Process

One of the key ingredients of friendship is choice. Its amazing how much control we have in life. The power of perception can build up or tear down relationships. Interpersonal skills seem to be my most difficult issue to address. I try to break things down to the motives and the only true motive I will ever know is my own. I have focused a lot on my Intrapersonal relationships. I like knowing how to work with people. Unfortunately, I often find myself tied up on my words creating difficult situations when I attempt communicating with others. Also, my brain goes way ahead of me. Often I'm told that I think too much. I do. This creates unneccessary worry in my life. My thoughts interupt themselves and my brain goes into overdrive during conversations. I'm thinking about the conversation itself, the person who is speaking with me, anything pertaining to that person and anything outside the conversation that relates to a specific phrase spoken by the other person. Even a mere word can send me off thinking about something that if blurted would seem completely random. Whats worse is how quickly it then jumps from one thing to another. Apparently like I have done in this blog post. Perfect example.

Six Feet Underground

Sometimes id rather be lookin up than down
At this grass beneath my feet

Those words eat
Like maggots crawling and devouring every inch
Digging deeper into the soul

Its not long til its gone
The first sting is all that lasts

Build a wall
You’ll feel safe
In your hate
In your pain

It cant be won
This monstrosity of a game
Its tortuous
Its life

Corroded minds feast on hurting others
But its ok
You tell yourself its ok
Bleeding on the inside
Past the physical
Straight through the mental
Into the emotions
Into the feeling

Tear up
Stand up
Walk right on out
There’s no reason to stay
Except to give way
To more bitter pain
More foolish games

Bittersweet

Brookland-Cayce High School Senior Prom
April 3rd, 2009
South Carolina State Museum
The night consisted of so many surprises and strange events. It was without a doubt one of the most memorable nights of my life. The two most memorable things made it bittersweet: a new friend saw me for everything I never want to be and an old friend really saw me for who I truly am. I lost a friend last night. Not that they died, its more like I'm dead to them. They had recently behaved strangely out of anger and resentment. I hurt them. I don't know how. I don't know what I did but whatever it was cut deep.

With only two months until graduation, time is fleeting fast. I don't know where its gone. Regardless of where and how, it just has. At 7 p.m. I will be at California Dreamin, a fancyish restaurant, with my friends. Dolled up and ready to go to prom, we will sit and reminisce and dream about ahead.

The Truth About Facebook

I just read this article about facebook.com. Whether or not you have an account, with as many people signed onto this site, you may want to check this out. I thought it to be both interesting and eye-opening.

Facebook Article

Today is April Fool's day and I have yet to be fooled or to fool anyone else. Last year I devised several plans to really nail people but unfortunately, I have forgotten most of them. The ones I remember either aren't worth the trouble or seem uninteresting now. So far it's been quite dull really.

Although, I am running for prom queen.

And the college is not...

After spending hours  over several stacks of paper, I finally know my admission status at all of the schools I applied to. The first four I heard back from were all acceptance letters. Embry-Riddle Aeronautical Engineering University, Pensacola Christian College, Bob Jones University, and Norwich University.

My application to the University of South Carolina was cancelled. Yes, cancelled. The letter I received stated that my application was not completed before the deadline and was thus cancelled. However, I did have all of my stuff in ahead of time. There was some error on their part because the week before the deadline, I checked my application status on the web and it was complete. Now that they have reviewed everyones applications, even if I get everything straightened out, the earliest I could start at USC is 2010.

Duke University had almost 24,000 applicants this year. Did you see that number?? 24 Thousand! That's a lot. With only a 6% admissions rate (less than the service academies), students who would have without a doubt made it into Duke last year or the year before didn't get in this year. Students like me. 

The one we've all been waiting for, the school I know without a doubt is where I am supposed to go, the college that is best suited for me, The United States Air Force Academy. I obtained a nomination from Joe Wilson, Jim DeMint, Lindsay Graham, and my schools JROTC Senior Army Instructor. Sunday afternoon, soon after I arrived home from the SC FCA State Retreat in Garden City, I opened a letter from the Air Force. Sitting in an '07 orange Honda Accord, I read aloud the words "We regret". Silently I finished reading the sentence in my head. I didn't get in. I didn't make it. And after everything I had done to prepare for it, as much as I wanted it, as much as I had put into it, my first thought was "Well, now I don't have to retake the physical fitness test tomorrow." Just like that. 

So as far as next year goes, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'm thinking maybe attending Norwich for a year and then reapplying to the academy. Norwich is a military college up north in Vermont. It costs almost $30,000 a year but I was offered a full AFROTC scholarship. Only one person can get that at each school with AFROTC and they chose me. I was supposed to sign and send back a letter that was mailed to me soon after hearing I had been chosen to let them know if I would accept the offer. I remembered this on March 23 after receiving a voice mail from the AFROTC commander up at Norwich. I went to my room to retrieve the letter and to my horror read in bold print "Must be returned no later than March 19, 2009." So I mailed it the next day anyway. I'm still waiting to hear back about it. Without that, I do have about $20,000 paid for in private scholarships at the school. But then I still have almost $10,000 owed.

Embry-Riddle sent me a statement informing me that I qualify for the highest amount of Government funding. Including loans (which I do not intend on getting) I would receive no more than $7,000 for an education costing nearly $40,000 a year. Not very promising.

I have yet to figure out exactly what I'm going to be doing with my life or even merely just the next 365 days of it. 

Air Force Academy Question #3

3. Describe a setback or an ethical dilemma you faced and how you overcame it. What was the outcome? If another situation like it comes up in the future, how would you face it? (400-500 words 3,000 characters max)
A major setback in life for me has been my living situation. According to statistics, the kids whose parents are married and live together, have the greatest income, and the highest education are the ones who are most likely to score high on standardized testing and have the best grades. In general these are the people who finish college and become "successful" according to society. I come from a home that is neither wealthy nor well educated. Neither parent graduated from high school and my parents were never married, nor do they live together now. The chaos of my home was something that many individuals would shake their head at and take pity on me. I have no use for their pity or head shaking. I only have use for their wisdom and advice. Where can I go from here? How can I become successful? First I had to define what success meant to me, which required setting goals and aspirations. Along with goals, I defined morals for myself. Doing this set me apart from most teenagers. It made me have higher standards for myself and brought me to a realization that I and I alone am responsible for my own actions. I am accountable for everything I do or fail to do. Once I layed out my personal goals, both long term and short term, I began to develop ways to achieve them. For short term goals such as being on the honor roll, graduating from high school, and becoming the battalion commander of JROTC, the answer to my main question of “How do I reach this goal?” was simple: work hard. For my long term goals of going to college, obtaining a bachelor’s degree, and becoming a better person all around, the answer to my question must be expanded upon. There was no doubt that hard work is key. It is a very important factor in any aspect of life. However, there is so much more to be looked at when it comes to making decisions in the long run, such as which college to attend. I did a lot of research and gained information about options for my future. I looked on the internet, read books, and talked to people with experience; those who have already achieved the goals I am working toward. I plan on continuing to seek out wisdom and gain understanding for all of my upcoming decisions. I will be the best at whatever I do because I have made that decision and put the words to action. My life will not be one of pity but one of accomplishment, of success.

Air Force Academy Essay Question #2

2. Which aspect of the Air Force Academy experience (academic, military training, athletic, social/spiritual) do you anticipate will be most challenging for you? Discuss why and how you expect to succeed in that area. (250 to 300 words, 3000 characters max) You must answer either this question or question 1 (above).
The one aspect of the Air Force Academy experience that will be the most difficult for me is athletics. I have never been a natural athlete, nor will I ever be. It is something that everyone must work at but my challenge is greater still than others. My history of physical activities includes one year of soccer, three years of tennis, a year of golf, five years of softball, and five years of dance over the course of my life. Although I have stayed active in many organizations throughout my middle and high school careers, I have participated in very few sports during that period of time. All four years of high school, I have been on the JROTC Drill Team. The experience was vital for my personal growth because I learned several skills like teamwork, drill, and leadership which helped me excel in the JROTC program. Unfortunately, the practices were scheduled for the same time as sports teams and since the drill team competed during both the fall and spring semesters, it was not possible for me to participate in both. Also, physical fitness had not been an important part of my life until my freshman year when I was introduced to PT in ROTC. Just this year, I started a personal workout and joined the track team. This was possible because the drill team has been scheduled for only one competition during track season. I am seeking guidance from individuals in the military through my church, civil air patrol, and JROTC to gain a better understanding of how I can improve my physical fitness. By continuing my personal workout, track, and the help of others knowledge, I know that I will succeed in the athletic aspect at the United States Air Force Academy.

Why be single?

1. You aren't staying up waiting on that phone call from your "significant other".
2. You aren't limited to one person(kind of joking here.)
3. You learn who you are without someone else deciding or influencing you.
4. You have more free time.
5. You see your friends more (goes along with #4)
6. You have more money.
7. You realize how dumb some people look when they're with their "sweetheart".
8. You don't have to remember as many "important" dates.
9. You don't have to buy presents(goes with #6).
10. You can't get let down on Valentines Day.

The Little Girl

I think I used to hide it on purpose, or maybe I just pushed it away somehow in my quick maturing, whether I decided to mature fast or was forced to or both. For whatever reason i grew up quickly and kinda shoved it to the side.
A friend's dad put it this way.
Ever since he's known me he's known this young woman who is very grown up for her age and much more intelligent or intellectual than your average teenage girl. She's always staying busy, always doing her best and even raising the standards. Putting forth more effort and pushing the limits

but somewhere inside of her is a little girl

and shes hurting. She wants to have fun. She wants to just be a little girl for whatever reason, she didnt get to be, not like she wanted.She's a part of me. I cant just forget about it or get rid of it. Its just another part of who I am and when I push that side of me away for too long i get unhappy with who I am, with who I've become because that's my sensitive side. But sometimes I feel like I'm too emotional, weak, and its my fault. And I believe that I let myself get that way so I just want to remove that sensitivity from my being. So I end up confused. I don't like feeling weak and helpless as a little girl. I want to be independent. Or so I think. But then I realize how little I really am and how dangerous it can be if I lost that little girl side of me, how heartless I can become if I ignore her.

Fatal Adoration, a story of something unavoidable.

She was smart, but humble. Sweet and innocent. And yet, she could conquer the world. Whether or not she was aware of this remains a mystery, but she certainly wanted to rid it from all evil.
He was both handsome and powerful, but secretly gentle. He was not completely harmless, but he did not want to hurt others.

Untitled For Now

The addiction creeps in, acting like an old friend. It lies to you and tells you what you want to hear. Its a parasite, feeding off your emotions, your thoughts and anything else you let it have. Inhale and it inhales with you. Run and its right there beside you. Turn away from it and it still stares you down, its eyes a reflection of yours, making you believe its a part of you. It says your in control and entices you with pleasure. You know from experience that this isn't true. You must fight. Stand for what you know and what you really want. Stop letting this control you. Let it know that you control yourself. If change is what you truly want, change is what you will get. Don't quit. Don't give up. There is hope. A dumb four-letter word that is overused. But its powerful. More so than the addiction itself. Don't let it change you. Change it. Define your place. Give yourself a name. You've stood up now its time to walk away. Get away. Escape. You can.